Puns

More email fun and joy that I thought I would share. 

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent Tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re identical twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Girl Scouts

There is Not Always Tomorrow

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For  life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And  now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
‘Tomorrow’  I say! ‘I will call on Jim
Just to show that I’m thinking of him.’
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
‘Here’s a telegram sir,’ ‘Jim died today.’
And that’s what we get and deserve in the end
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.  If you love someone, tell them because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day, never have regrets, and most importantly stay close to your friends and family – they have helped make you the person that you are today.

The Shopping Trip

Another email funny I wanted to share.

~~~~~

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second.  In the third, everything had just been reduced 50 percent. Then her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in terrible car accident and was in a critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she’d be there as soon as possible.

When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to look in just two or three more before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it’s likely to be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!’
The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then laughed and said, ‘I’m just fucking with you.  He’s dead.  Show me what you bought!’
~~~~~

Bill Cosby Said What?

According to my latest email funny, these comments are from Bill Cosby.  I don’t know if that is 100% true or not, but if they rae I would sure vote for him if he ran for President!

~~~~~

Bill Cosby has a great way of “distilling” things. Looks like he’s done it again!

AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase: ‘Press 1 for English’ is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we’ll do no exports. We will use the ‘Wal-Mart ’s policy, ‘If we ain’t got it, you don’t need it.’ We’ll make it here and sell it here!

(3).. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn’t put nuttin in, you ain’t gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6). Welfare. — Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes — Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you’re banned from sports … for life.

(8). Crime – We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more ‘life sentences’. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9).. One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil..

(10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we’ll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it’s a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I’ve stepped on anyone’s toes ….. nevertheless……

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Sincerely, Bill Cosby

Judas Asparagus

Yet another email that I had to share. 

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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.  This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.  I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.   The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.  Then God made the world.  He split the Adam and made Eve.   Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.  Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.   Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.  One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat  and put his family and some animals on it.  He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his  birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.  Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.  God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.   Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbour’s stuff.  Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy  to use spies.   Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.  After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.   Jesus is the  star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’  It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)  During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the  Pharisees and the Democrats.  Jesus also had twelve opossums.  The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.  But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.   He just washed his hands instead.   Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

The Biker and the Lord

Another email that I received, I just had to share with my readers.    I hope you enjoy this one as much as I did.

~~~~~
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’ The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives and girlfriends; I want to know how she feels inside? what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment? why she cries? what she means when she says nothing’s wrong? and how I can make a woman truly happy?’

The Lord replied, ‘Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?

More Medical Humor

1. A man comes into the  ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!”I  grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s  dress, and began to take off her underwear.  Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong  one.
>> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX …

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on  an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest  wall.”Big breaths,” I instructed.”Yes, they used to be,”  replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,  Seattle , WA
>>
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news  when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive  myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard  her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”
Submitted by Dr. Susan  Steinberg
>>
4. During a patient’s two week follow-up  appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,  that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which  one?” I asked. “The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new  one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put  it!”I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I  wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch  before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St.  Clair, Norfolk , VA
>>
5. While acquainting myself with a new  elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been  bedridden?”After a look of complete confusion,  she answered…”Why, not for about twenty years — when my  husband was alive.”
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,  Corvallis , OR
>>
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, “So,  how’s your breakfast this morning?”"It’s very good, except for  the Kentucky Jelly.I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the  patient replied.I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman  produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Submitted by Dr.  Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
>>
7. A nurse was on duty in  the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled  into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of  tattoos, and  wearing strange clothing, entered.It was quickly determined  that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had  been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,  “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, the  surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which  said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”
Submitted by RN, no  name
>>
AND FINALLY!!!…………
8. As a new, young  MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when  performing female pelvic exams.To cover my embarrassment, I had  unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The  middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.I looked up from  my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry.Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, “I  wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”
Doctor wouldn’t  submit his name(Can’t blame  him!)

Nurse Joke

This was emailed to me, and I just had to press it for you guys and gals out there.

> Nurses aren’t supposed to laugh…
>
> “Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse.
>
> “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
>
> “Okay then,” said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
> revealing the tiniest ‘man thingy’ the nurse had ever seen.
>
> Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than the a AAA battery.
>
> Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to
> the floor laughing.
>
> Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
> composure.
>
> “I am so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my
> honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now,
> tell me, what seems to be the problem?’
>
> …”It’s swollen,” Fred replied.
>
> She ran out of the room…

Guess what?

I’m baaaack! Well, not totally but almost.

After talking with a friend last night online I realized that I had been neglecting this blog waaay too much, so here soonly I’ll be blogging a bit more often since I have missed it.

At 11p tonight my summer semester is officially over, and I will probably put up a blog in the next day or two talking about it a bit, along with anything else random that pops into my mind.

Until then, peace and chicken grease!

n.n